Llamageddon review

I’ll be honest here: I’m not even rating this film because how can you? We’re going into a film about a killer Llama inexplicably sent from space to fuck up a load of teens for no good reason, other than for our entertainment. I appreciate the gesture, sure – but at what point did B-movies tip so low?

I’m not saying I’m mad, I’m just saying – I’ve now sat through a film about a killer piñata, tire AND sofa. While I appreciate a good haunted object flick – see recently, Amityville Horror: The Evil Escapes – this modern slew just proves that nothing is sacred anymore. Having said that, these films (objects or animals) are made for, and by, people with tastes exactly like mine so I’m being very hypocritical, right?

Anywho…

Llamageddon (2015)
Director: Howie Dewin
Starring: Louie The Llama, Pinki Brainweis, James Earl Cox III

Synopsis:

A killer llama from outer space crash lands on Earth and brings death and destruction to everyone in its path.

*Minor spoilers*

Following the bizarre death of their grandparents (the opener explains everything re: the alien llama race, how they came to inhabit planet earth and the subsequent demise of the golden oldies), siblings Mel and Floyd temporarily move into their house to get it ready for sale. Party girl Mel takes this parent-less opportunity to immediately plan a house party, while boner killer Floyd does all he can to poo poo the idea.

As the house fills with horny teenagers – and Mel makes a plan to get Floyd’s cherry popped to keep him chill – something seems afoot with their grandparents new llama. But farm animals are the least of the kids’ worries when there’s warm beer, sex and a hot tub to be enjoyed.

Floyd, unsurprisingly, does not prove himself to be an attractive prospect to many, especially with his penchant for clearing up after the cool kids – but a serial virginity taker sets her sights on our boy – and well, the rest is sexual history. Luckily for Floyd, the night is young and this won’t be his first first by any stretch.

Meanwhile, Mel’s sketchy boyfriend Trent (the brilliantly named Gooch Jesco III) shows up, much to the chagrin of her macho buddy Dan (Dany Ambassa). His endurance is tested when Mel catches him cheating and he somehow ends up infected (and pregnant?) by the space llama.

All Mel and Floyd can do is fight to the death as each of their dear friends meets their maker in increasingly creative ways.

Even the kids’ sex crazed father is called upon to step up to the hideous beast in probably the best couple of scenes (not saying much). Will our intrepid family members live to see another day – and the sequel?

I suppose the kindest thing you can say about this is that the opening animation is quite sweet. It’s sort of fun in places and the makers haven’t done badly with a creative budget of around £1.99.

But the acting is horrifying, even for a student made flick, and the story is flimsy at best. Louie the Llama plays his part to perfection in that he’s a llama going around doing llama business but it really is a jarring and slightly annoying experience all round.

And it’s short at least.

How does Jill feel about this abomination? Would she feed it extra grain or fry it in the hot tub? Find out here.

If you liked this, you might like these: