Shark Killer review

August is Shark Month and frankly this is our favourite time on the blog. I’m beside myself with excitement of what’s to come, however as Jill put it recently, the UK really does have some work to do when it comes to what’s available to us creature feature super fans.

In a frustrating turn of events, Shark Killer was Jill’s second choice and we can only wonder what we missed in Ozark Sharks.

SHARK KILLER (2015)

Blood is thicker in water.

A shark exterminator must retrieve a rare diamond from the stomach of a massive black-finned white shark; however, the powerful local crime lord has, too, set his sights on the gem. Will the fearless shark killer live up to his reputation?

Director: Sheldon Wilson
Starring: Derek ThelerErica Cerra, Paul du Toit

Genre: Horror, Action, Thriller ∙ IMDB user rating: 4.0
My score: 2.5/5 ∙ Runtime: 88 mins

*Spoilers*

As I type this I realise I’ve blanked quite a lot of Chase Walker’s backstory. Our studly anti-hero apparently has an aversion to the water which isn’t instantly recognisable given his close proximity to the beach, but he spends a fair amount of time talking about how much he hates it. He does like pussy though (sorry).

In our introduction to this masterful plotline, a local mayor argues with an official about closing the beach following a number of shark attacks. Hmm. Having dealt with the fish in question, the mayor insists they’re now golden, however his associate claims the shark they caught was too small to be the right predator. Cue the ensuing kerfuffle in which a gang of skimpy teens find themselves circled by – you guessed it – a giant Great White.

Can hunky Chase help in any way I wonder? Well, he doesn’t wander around topless with a huuuge knife in his pocket for nowt, you know. In the water he also secures himself a shag for later (with the mayor’s daughter, no less). Welcome to Shark Killer, folks.

Later, Chase is hired/blackmailed into a new job by two-bit gangster Jake – who we later find out is Chase’s very own adoptive brother. The job is to hunt a particularly vicious black finned white shark because… he’s swallowed a priceless diamond. Obviously.

Along for the ride is stunning lawyer Jasmine who takes an instant dislike to man-whore Chase who I’ve just worked out is literally called Chase because of his love of hunting the ladies.

Jasmine could crack though when it becomes clear there’s more to our shark botherer than meets the eye. Oh, and OG/resident Kingpin Nix (The Mummy’s Arnold Vosloo) is also hot on Black Fin’s tail as he’d quite like the diamond himself. But how can he bargain with Chase when he loves and cares about precisely nobody? Or does he?

I guess the question on most of our lips is: does he get the fucking diamond or not? Well the answer is exactly what you think it is, by way of not nearly enough shark action. But this is still better than Sharknado so swings and roundabouts I guess.

THOUGHTS

This does what it says on the tin but is really a sub-par crime/romance masquerading as a shark movie and that’s its worst crime.

Until it gets bogged down in the ‘don’t judge a book’ narrative, while Chase is being ridiculously clichéd and misogynistic, I thought it was quite funny. The opening scene is a blast. But I quickly lost interest in Jake and his motivations, and then Nix and his. Jasmine’s too good for this film and we barely see Black Fin at all.

Although, there are a couple of scenes that have lingered (one involving a truly macabre underwater graveyard dreamed up by one of the crime lords). So, in conclusion: not a bad start. We will definitely do worse this month, that’s a promise.

🦈 🦈 🦈

WHAT DOES JILL THINK OF OUR FIRST SHARK MOVIE IN WAY TOO LONG? WOULD SHE SLICE IT BELLY TO STERNUM OR LET IT SWIM AWAY? FIND OUT HERE.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s